John Simpson’s new job: Volunteer Battery Hen

Perth  –  In an effort to restore consumer faith in the caged-egg industry, popular egg-eater and President of the Commercial Egg Producers Association, John Simpson, has volunteered to spend the next eighteen months living the life of a battery hen.

The proposed stunt follows a decision from Woolworths to remove all cage-eggs from their shelves by 2018. A move that has been labeled as “probably egg-sellent but grossly anti-cage.”

Simpson – who has previously advocated for battery farming because chickens in fields are more likely to catch disease from passing ducks than their cage dwelling cousins – said in an interview Monday “I can only imagine that 18 months in a chicken coop will be a refreshing and relaxing change from the dreadful shit-storm my life has recently become. I find myself increasingly concerned with my capacity for catching disease. I would happily sacrifice the freedom to stretch my legs, walk in a field and scratch for bugs if it means I don’t have to spend one more day, desperately dodging disease ridden duck shit.”

The farmer who’ll be responsible for Simpson, told The Incidentally “as a chicken, John Simpson will have his beak trimmed to prevent him from feather pecking, vent pecking and/or cannibalising the other chickens. He’ll be expected to lay a minimum of 2 eggs every 3 days. If he cant keep up with production we’ll withhold food and water for between 7 and 14 days which should reinvigorate his egg production and/or cause all his feathers to fall out. Breakfast is pellets. Dinner, we like to mix it up a bit by smooshing some breakfast pellets into a delicious mash.”

“While we expect Mr. Simpson could probably live for about twelve years in these conditions, we’d suggest he ‘take off’ after 18 months, or he could end up getting macerated with a high speed grinder like the rest of his cellmates.”

In training for the position, Simpson will be regularly stuffed into the A4 filing cabinet in his office.

Incidentally  –  the head of Inglewood Farms has announced he’s noticed “no significant increase in airstrikes from ducks since Woolworths went ‘civil war’ on battery farming.”

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