Ahh, Baby Spa

Perth  –  The city of Subiaco in Perth will soon be bolstering its reputation for sensible and balanced living, with the opening of Australia’s first and only exclusive day spa for babies. Kavita Kumar, a co-owner of the baby boutique, has said that while a spa aimed exclusively at infants may seem indulgent, she has seen the benefits first hand, and that the warm water can help babies with their digestion, colic, muscle and cardiovascular development.

The spa, while not yet open, has already been hailed as a big win for anyone between the ages of 2 days and 6 months. And advocates for babies are insisting that there is nothing “indulgent” about a baby, dangling in warm water, after a hard day of trying to support its own head. A mother, visiting the spa with her 2 day old baby, said “it reminds them of being in the mothers womb”. We asked the baby if this was true, and he said “goo goo gaga goo *hic* spewwww” which, roughly translated, means:

Well, it isn’t so much the womb that I’m reminded of. It’s a bit more like that moment right in the middle of “being born” where your head pokes into the air and everybody starts yelling at you to push, or something. If I’m going to be brutally honest here, it feels a bit like I’ve been floating around with a great big rubber vagina strapped around my neck. Which isn’t such a bad thing, if you catch my drift, eh boys? *wink* Though, I wouldn’t mind getting out now. Judging by his face, I’d say that Dave over there is shitting in the pool.

Sentiment toward the spa however, has not all been positive. Australia’s Prime Minister, Malcom Turnbull, has claimed that the existence of this spa could incite a class-war amongst Australian babies. Foreign minister, Peter Dutton, has said that advocates of the spa will only have themselves to thank when people inevitably start improvising these relaxation techniques at home – presumably in buckets, or puddles on the street. And a large group of white Australian men have complained that the spa discriminates against them, and should not be welcomed in their country because it makes them feel marginalised and un-buoyant.

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