Two Arrested in Texas for Refusing Transitionary Explanations

Austin  –  Two Chickens have been violently arrested in Texas last week after they allegedly refused to give police a valid explanation as to why they were crossing the road.

The Chickens – who had only come so far as to consider what they were doing, not why they were doing it – were approached by several police officers shortly after leaving the sidewalk. When the poultry was unable to give a suitable statement of their intentions, the officers frantically chased them around in circles and beat them senseless with milk crates until they were subdued. The chickens were then cuffed and thrown into police cars. The officers (apparently caught up in the moment) then arrested both milk crates for obstruction, resisting and failure to produce a valid ID.

 The Austin Police Department (APD) has received broad criticism for the arrests as it follows a similar incident involving a gang of Austin police who arrested two men for “walking without a license” in the same area, only one month ago. However, the ADP have defended their actions, and maintain that all twenty of the arresting officers were acting within the law when they made their arrests. One officer was quoted as saying:

“In other cities there are cops who are actually committing sexual assaults with Chicken, on duty. So I thank God that this is what passes for controversy in Austin, Texas. As for those two milk crates – well they were blatantly inanimate; personally, I think they got exactly what they deserved.”

Soon after, he was forced to apologise and formally retract his comments.

Long time advocate for Chickens-in-cages, John Simpson (who recently found fame thanks to his controversial stunt, whereby he volunteered to spend 18 months living the life as a caged hen) has suggested that:

“This unfortunate incident only stands to bolster my argument that Chickens are simply better off when they are kept in cages. I think it only fair that an officer of the law might inquire on the existential status of a Chicken, without being criticised simply for doing so, or for the subsequent beatings he may or may not dish out when his requests are not satisfactorily answered. As to reasonableness of said beatings, my only comment would be to say that while they may not appear fair, they’re certainly in keeping with the times.”

The two Chickens have suggesting that the APD should go cluck themselves.

Incidentally – a state provided lawyer has been assigned in defence of the two milk crates who were also arrested at the scene. The crates have both pleaded not-guilty on the grounds that they acted in self defence.

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Photo Credit: Collective Vision, National Museums Scotland

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