North Miami – Police in Miami have rolled out this week with an updated approach to law enforcement that aims at shooting citizens in their legs, rather than their heads. The first volunteer/victim for this trial was a therapist named Charles Kinsey who was – according to reports – helping an autistic patient smuggle weapons into a school zone, by way of some incredibly supportive underpants. Officers arrived on the scene, only to discover that Mr. Kinsey was also supporting a yellow t-shirt and a rather dark and guilty-looking skin pigmentation, so they shot him.
Witnesses that saw the shooting report hearing Kinsey ask why he’d been shot, to which the officers simply rolled their eyes and cited the Miami Police Motto: we won’t dignify that with a response. Witnesses then informed the police that announcing ones intentions not to dignify a question with a response is, in and of itself a response. They then had to flee the scene as the officers opened fire into the crowd. #wedontdignifythatwitharesponse
The new and somewhat controversial tactic of shooting suspects in their legs rather than their brains, is widely considered as a reactionary measure, as it follows a string of fatal incidents in the U.S. whereby civilians have been shot by police, for crimes no more egregious than a broken tail light or failure to adequately pull up ones pants. According to various sources, this type of thing makes people very unhappy. An alarming number of American citizens have publicly stated that “police probably shouldn’t do that”.
We asked a police spokesman what he thought of the new “Legs over Heads” policy:
“Look, we all accept there’s a serious problem when people are being killed for no good reason. The state of bureaucracy these days – more specifically, its tendency to try and crawl up my ass every time some poor guy gets his head blown off – means that going for the kill-shot any time someone waves at you, just isn’t worth the paperwork. And the fact that I’m constantly looking over my shoulder incase some tenacious little teenager whips out a smartphone when I’m on a routine shake down – sorry, traffic stop – with the hope that I’ll just beat someone to death right there on the street and he’ll get rich selling the video on youtube, just compounds the issue! So the leg-shot policy, ultimately, is one of compromise with the average American criminal – sorry, person. You win America. You played the cry-card, and you win. If that is how it has to be, we can be the bigger men and shoot your legs instead.”
Incidentally – this article was published in loving memory of the journalists who bravely interviewed police for this story. None of whom survived.