Conservatives Remain Skeptical on Mars Discovery, Pending Financial Implications

 

WASHINGTON  –  Following an announcement today that scientists from NASA discovered evidence of salty water flowing on Mars, conservatives around the world are “withholding judgement”, pending the opinions of their various financial advisors.

“We’ve been burnt by science before” one right-winger said “and the truth is, we’re all a bit sick and tired of having to take a pay cut every time something new is discovered by way of ‘science’. Tobacco; sugar; climate change; economic transparency; these have all been disastrous for the wealthy right-wing. And who can we thank for that? Science.”

“So, we’ve called the banks, said our prayers, and emailed our economic advisors about this so-called ‘scientific discovery’ and if this ‘water on Mars’ thing turns out to be expensive, we’d all prefer to simply not believe in it.”

The Incidentally contacted a number of popular conservatives, and asked them what they thought about the Mars discovery. Here are some of their responses:

Tony_Abbott

Tony Abbott  –  ex Australian prime minister  –  “hugely unconvinced“.

 

 

 

 

 

 

jeffmillerJeff Miller  –  U.S. Representative for Florida’s 1st congressional district  –  “Don’t even start with this. It was just a few years ago, what was the problem that existed? It wasn’t water on Mars, it was the cold war. Well I don’t speak Russian.”

 

 

 

 

Joe_Barton_OfficialJoe Barton  –  congressman from Texas  –  I would like to point out that if you’re a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that it certainly didn’t happen on Mars. Also, it wasn’t because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy, but the point is that there was no flood on Mars.”

 

 

 

Official PortraitMarco Rubio  –  U.S. Senator, who was apparently confused by the question  –  “The government can’t change the weather”.

 

 

 

 

 

Joe_Barton_OfficialJoe Barton  –  congressman from Texas … Yeah. He called us back  –  “I am going to read a paragraph which is, if true, very ironic. And I quote: ‘Water is a finite resource. At large-scale, finding liquid water on Mars would have serious environmental consequences here on Earth. A group of researchers at Princeton University found that on planetary scales, planet Earth is currently home to nearly 100 percent of the solar system’s water. Finding water on other planets, like Mars, would necessarily lower the overall percentage of water found here on Earth. Wouldn’t it be ironic if in the process of looking for water, we somehow ended up with less water? Now, I am not saying that is going to happen, Mr. Incidentally, but that is definitely something on the massive scale. I mean, it does make some sense. You lower that percentage. You can’t never get that back. It is just something to think about.”

Sarah_Palin_by_Gage_Skidmore_2Sarah Palin  –  Chairperson of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, in an unsolicited suggestion said  –  “let Allah sort it out”.

 

 

 

 

 

Members of North Carolina’s Legislature are getting ready to vote on a bill that would ban scientists from any further studies into the alleged discovery.

In other news, Nestle stock skyrocketed immediately after the announcement was made. The Incidentally has chosen not to speculate on the increase, as our economics division has gone to lunch and is grossly incompetent.

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