DETROIT – A man has managed to avoid a series of incredibly embarrassing injuries today, after he discovered a spider near his gas-tank, and tried to light it on fire.
The man – whose name has been withheld for the purpose of “reputation management” – apparently spotted the spider when he pulled over to get fuel and opened the gas cap. The arachnid who was hiding inside, allegedly provoked the man by standing very still and maliciously doing nothing at him in what has been described as an unprovoked demonstration of being a spider.
A witness that was working at the gas station said: “That’s when he pulled the lighter out of his pocket and lit it, and started the fire“. The man immediately blamed the resulting fire on a freak case of static electricity, he was then heard accusing the spider of using a mobile phone. He later admitted to fire crews that he had used his own lighter.
The man has not been charged for the attempted murder of the spider as he claims to have acted in self-defence. In typical spider fashion, the spider is refusing to speak with the press.
Incidentally – this is not the first time that an arachnid altercation has ended this way. In 2014 a man in Seattle tried to kill a spider by spraying some paint at it through a naked flame. The resulting inferno burnt his house down. Authorities took that as a perfect occasion to convey this message: “We’d like to take this opportunity to advise people to stop doing this. This keeps happening. Do not use fire to kill bugs. Don’t do it. Just say no.”