BRISBANE – Researchers at the University of Queensland have published a paper showing that giving Toads the right to bear arms could help curb the invasive species’ booming population. The paper titled “The Only Way to Stop a Bad Toad with a Gun is a Good Toad with a Gun” is expected to mark the beginning of a major change in the way environmentalists combat the scourge of poisonous Toads that have been invading Australia since the 1930’s.
“Through careful analysis of gun violence in the United States, and by correlating those figures against the growing population of Cane Toads making their way across Australia, we have estimated that by allowing Cane Toads to settle disputes with firearms, they could contribute to more than 33,000 of their own deaths per annum.”
“By studying their low standards of education, slowly evaporating jobs market, and their limited ability to make facial expressions, we’ve deduced that Cane Toads are an especially displeased species of frog. As the data would suggest, disputes are rife in their socioeconomic group. The problem is that, presently, their only available avenues for conflict resolution are name calling, heated discussion and/or angrily glaring at one another across a pond.”
“Using scientific computer models, we have shown that by giving toads the opportunity to shoot one another whenever they feel like it, we could significantly decrease the number toads in the environment, especially in the lower-income sectors of their community.”
The Parks and Wildlife Commission has asked the Federal Government for legislation that would allow the immediate roll-out of handgun and assault rifle deliveries to “feral-frog” communities by January next year, which is prime breeding season for the Toads. “It would be great if we could have at least one big gangland shooting by the end of the first quarter” one spokesman from the commission said, “for years now, we’ve been bagging Toads and humanely freezing them to death at home. Personally, if this gun idea works, I don’t even know what I’m going to do with all that extra freezer space.”
NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre has voiced his support for any potential move to legalize frog-firearms, saying “If I had it my way there’d be a gun in the hand of each and every toad on the planet. It is the God-given right of every toad, to be able to shoot other toads if and when it occurs to that toad to do so.” He went on to say, “You’d be amazed how effective drive-by shootings can be when it comes to population control.” And later, in something unrelated, “Children need to pay closer attention when their teachers are going through emergency procedures at school. If they did that, these things wouldn’t happen.”
The Cane Toads that we interviewed for this story were characteristically annoyed and inaudible about the subject.