Ben Carson for Pope

DETROIT  –  Celebrity neurosurgeon and U.S. Presidential candidate, Ben Carson, has announced he will be further bolstering his resume by running in parallel campaigns in 2016. Firstly, for the Heavyweight U.S. Presidency of the world; and secondly, for Supreme Bishop of the Roman Catholic Church and Primal Pope of the Universe.

Speculation suggests that the announcement has come in direct response to a speech given by the current Head of the Church, Pope Francis, who recently expressed “closeness” to the Muslim community after more than 700 pilgrims died in an annual “queuing accident” in Mecca. It is understood that Ben Carson has mistaken this expressed “closeness” as a direct threat to the values and principles of the Catholic Church.  

In a follow-up speech delivered at a rally in his home town of Detroit, Carson announced that he believes he would be a perfect candidate for the papacy because he is “not a Muslim”.

“If you look throughout the world at Muslims, I see discrimination against women, discrimination against gays and subjugation of other religious beliefs. And I would be very interested in somebody showing me one Muslim, through whom that is not occurring. I haven’t met one” .

“I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of the keys to Heaven. I absolutely would not agree with that.”

ben
Carson looks pretty good in a Pope-hat

He went on to say that if he was elected as Pope, he would stamp out discrimination against women by strongly encouraging himself (as President of the United States) to remove abortion clinics from black communities, which would force them to stop “breeding carelessly and disastrously“. And that he would lay controversy surrounding gay rights to rest, by tactfully explaining that: “God never said anything about gays having rights”.

“If people are going to insist on being gay, they should go back to jail where they came from”.

These comments have gone widely misunderstood by the public. Many professional satirists believe them to be the product of Carson’s token “reverse homosexual abortion psychology” – an assessment that has also gone widely misunderstood.

When asked why he felt it was necessary for him to be both the President and the Pope, Carson replied: “It is not the government’s job to take care of everyone’s needs. That’s what the Pope does.. No.. Sorry, is it the Pope or the President that doesn’t take care of anyone’s needs? I forget. I just don’t want anyone to get the idea that I’m going to take care of anybody’s needs. What were we talking about?”

The Incidentally has suggested that it is we who’ll ask the questions around here.

 

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