Australian Border Force: “An Unfortunate Incident”

In an effort to help turn back the increasingly violent, mega-tornado of anti-social illegal immigrants blowing around Australia of late, the ABF, AKA, Abbott’s Boat Fairy, AKA, The Australian Border Force, sent Melbourne residents spiralling into a frenzy of pocket patting madness by announcing they would be conducting spot checks to make sure everybody had their visa on them.

At 10:14am, Friday morning, the government agency launched Operation Fortitude, warning Melbournites that they would be “speaking with any individual we cross paths with”, working in the best interests of Melbournians, by targeting “anti-social behaviour”, in an effort to promote a “secure and cohesive society”, before adding, “You need to be aware of the conditions of your visa; if you commit visa fraud you should know it’s only a matter of time before you’re caught out.”

At 12:45pm, after the good people of Melbourne gave them some time to think about what they had just said, they changed the name to Operation Clarification, and released a statement, saying “The Australian Border Force will not be ‘stopping people at random’ in Melbourne to ‘check people’s papers’ as reported in media this morning regarding Operation Fortitude.” They did, however, stick to their guns, by confirming that ABF activity would still occurring at two of the “numerous locations where Operation Fortitude will be carried out in the Melbourne CBD this weekend.”

At 2:26pm, the operation’s title was changed, yet again, to Operation Skeptitude as officers from the ABF – who were running late for a 2pm press release, called in with a message to “please let all those angry protestors know, that we’re really sorry we wont be making it to that press release today, but, a few of us seem to have come down with a bad case of food poisoning all of a sudden, and, well, Dave can’t find his shoes, and Mike’s car has a flat tire.. Molly tripped over her cat last night and knocked herself unconscious, and we think Frank might have been somehow sitting on top of his own head, because his brain has gone to sleep, and besides, he’s busy writing operations for the rest of the day. We called Tony to see if he could cover for us, but he thought it was Saturday today, and has gone fishing. And Roman has a sick note.”

At 2:40, less than 5 hours after Operation Fortitude was announced, the name was changed to Operation Abortitude and the ABF announced that the whole thing was going to be suspended. A number of residual protestors around the Flinders street steps have reported a “cartoonish cloud of smoke” hanging about the podium where the ABF were scheduled to speak, from which, passing magicians have been eagerly leaping out of and shouting : “ta-daa! Look, it disappeared!”.


Incidentally – Members of the UPF (United Patriots Front) have maintained their support of Operation Fortitude and the ABF with the following statement: “The treacherous, multi-cultural-loving, ‘diverse’ and ‘harmonious’, left-wing bunch-o-c*nts from Melbourne have proven once again, that they are unwilling to allow militarised immigration enforcement to play its part in the ongoing war against foreigners. For this, we have arranged a little protest of our own at a Mosque in Bendigo. Hope to see you there.”

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