Ashley Madison: We Never Meant To Hurt You

Owners of the popular infidelity website, designed to “make it easier to cheat on your wife” Ashley Madison, have expressed a “deep sense of betrayal”, after a large group of their users launched a $578 million class-action lawsuit against them, in an attempt to deal with their own deep collective sense of betrayal.

In a statement released by the website, the owners have said “the backlash we have received from our followers, after all this hacking business, feels somewhat like a slap in the face, when considered in the context of everything we’ve been through together.”

“At Ashley Madison, we’ve always been deeply committed to deterring people from involving themselves with the dishonest behaviours provided by our entertaining environment that contains the maximum amount of perceivable excitement potential, for each of our adulterous users to pay.. sorry.. play-out their deceitful fantasies.”

“First – we created thousands of fake profiles – designed to make men think there are more women out there willing to cheat, than there actually are – which made you all feel a lot better about yourselves -”

“Then – we then provided affordable pay-walls that would act as ‘financial speed-humps’ between users and fake users, thus morphing a previously lose-lose relationship into a WIN-lose relationship, which is clearly a better relationship, because it contains quite a bit more winning.”

“We offered users, a double-edged, 30 day premium adultery guarantee for only $275, designed to give users the strong impression they would soon be cheating on their spouse, while simultaneously guaranteeing – through the careful implementation of conditions; one must buy the most expensive package, send higher priced “priority” messages to 18 unique members each month for three months, send 5 Ashley Madison gifts per month, and engage in 60 minutes of paid chat per month – that there was just no way they would actually be cheating on their spouse, at any point in the next 30 days.”

“The ‘kill fee‘, which, we think, has created an inappropriate amount of controversy, was never officially associated with any legally binding promises to actually delete any of your personal information. Those promises were made in jest, as is made perfectly obvious in our terms and conditions where we state:”

  1. “You acknowledge that although we strive to maintain the necessary safeguards to protect your personal data, we cannot ensure the security or privacy of information you provide through the Internet and your email messages.”
  2. “We may disclose and sell personally identifiable information in connection with the sale of the business including a corporate merger, restructuring or sale of assets”
  3. “We do not warrant that any information you provide or we collect will not be disclosed to third parties.” (note the double negative, those playing at home)
  4. “You agree that we will not be liable for any damages whatsoever, including disclosure of and or unauthorised access to your content.”

“It is Ashley Madison’s position, that people have simply misunderstood the type of relationship we set out to establish with our users.”

“People don’t join Ashley Madison to become cheaters; people join Ashley Madison to get cheated. This has been our business model from the beginning and we will proudly stand by it as you ungrateful sods, fling rocks at us from the safety of your glass houses.”

In related news, Ashley Madison has announced they will be merging with the popular internet recruitment agency “SEEK”. The two companies have announced they will be able to provide potential employers with unprecedented levels of insight for future employees. These insights include a probability scale that predicts whether or not certain employees would take the time to read fine print on contractual documents, and a colour chart designed to represent exactly how susceptible to blackmail they might be.

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