Following an article setting out detailed efficiency measures taken at Amazon, employers in Australia have decided to undertake further measures to monitor, motivate and break their workforce.
Companies like BHP, Wesfarmers and Boost Juice have introduced all new efficiency upgrades, including:
- performance reviews based on content of stool samples collected from office lavatories;
- 170 hour quota work weeks (Facebook and online shopping time is deducted from working time);
- weekly dance offs and rap battles between employees, where the prize is you get to keep your job;
- uncomfortable chairs to instill a constant sense of unease and to increase staff turnover (due to lower back injury); and
Companies have sought guidance from professional finance, accounting and law firms who have been using these measures for years.
Some employees experiencing the new measures have complained that the measures are unreasonable. One employee described their workplace to The Incidentally:
“Everyone can see, hear, smell and touch everyone else all the time. I’ve developed a nervous tick in response to the sound of expensive shoes on carpeted floors. We are only allowed to put one personal item on our floor space. The toilets have glass doors to make sure no one spends too much time there. But at least they let us change the colour of our desktop wallpaper [seen below].”
Meanwhile, executives at these progressive companies have claimed that they don’t recognize the workplace described by the disgruntled employees:
“I don’t usually visit that part of the office – could you show it to me through surveillance camera footage?”
Not all employees were unhappy though, one particularly satisfied (both with himself and with his job) employee let us in on his secret:
“Where else can you find a job that gives you real time feedback about how much of a chump you are based on 14 key performance indicators? Where else can you find a job that gives you a scrip for depression medication and a bottle of bubbles with your pay freeze letter? Where else can you find a job in Australia?”
In fairly unrelated news, potential terror group applicants from Australia are at an all time high.