SOUTH UNION TOWNSHIP – David Lee, of Pennsylvania, has received gratitude from state police after stealing a phone from Walmart, and then proving “extremely useful” in the case of his own arrest.
Allegedly, the 46 year-old moustache aficionado and heroin enthusiast picked up the phone in Walmart’s electronics section. He and the phone then made it as far as the automotive aisle when an altercation between Lee and the phone’s packaging broke out in which Lee produced a knife. The plastic packaging fought back and the knife ended up lodged in Lee’s arm. Having lost the fight, Lee headed for the bed and bath section, where he’d forgotten to pick up some towels. Walmart staff reported that Lee – whose arm had begun bleeding excessively – “left a trail of his own blood all the way to the car park.”
Police say that Lee immediately drove to the Uniontown Hospital to pick up some stitches – where doctors informed him his wounds where too severe and he would need to be air-lifted to UPMC Presbyterian Hospital in Pittsburgh. The Doctors – who witnessed David Lee was in possession of a brand-new mobile phone – assumed wrongly that he must be in the habit of paying his health insurance premiums and were forced to pay the bill for the helicopter. Police, who followed the trail of Lee’s blood, all the way to the hospital, have charged him with retail theft, disorderly conduct, and issued him with a stern warning for being a public idiot. The plastic packaging has claimed it acted in self-defence.
The Incident has sparked debate over whether current U.S. regulations, do enough to keep concealed deadly weapons out of places like Walmart. Representatives from Walmart, the popular discount gun, knife and duct tape chain, have been quick to insist that: “there is nothing we can do to prevent knife violence. Stabbings like this can only be reduced by having more civilians with knives, or as we like to call them, ‘good guys with even bigger knives'”.
NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre has suggested that “this senseless attack could not have occurred if David Lee had been exercising his God-given second amendment right to carry a firearm. He has called on Congress to put armed security guards in every Walmart across the nation, claiming that: “the only way to stop a crazy guy with a knife – even if that crazy guy is yourself – is with a good guy with a gun.”
He then suggested that the only way to stop smoking is with a good guy with a gun, and the only way to stop criticism is with a good guy with a gun.
Incidentally – Straight Talk Wireless stock rose to an all time high, as economic sentiment mistook the attempted robbery as “demand”.