BRISBANE – A study from the University of Queensland has shown that more than 50% of oceanic turtles are eating plastics or other types of human rubbish as part of their regular diet. The findings have catapulted their socioeconomic group into the top three largest consumers of junk food on the planet – surpassed only by human beings, and birds.
According to their results, the number of turtles eating junk food, instead of their natural and otherwise healthy alternatives, has more than doubled in the last 25 years, leaving marine biologists and nature enthusiasts alike, wondering who is to blame for this staggering increase.
A paper released by the CSIRO’s speculative branch of scientific advisors has suggested that: “in general, junk foods become the preferred option, when they are quick and easy to get to, or they’ve been marketed as the healthy choice … ultimately, the results boil down to speed and convenience at one end of the spectrum, and – at the other – that plastic bags sure do look a lot like turtle food, when they’re submerged in water.”
U.S. congress has reacted quickly to the findings by submitting a revised agricultural appropriations bill, that, if passed, will change the classification of plastic bags from “plastic bags” to “vegetables”. The bill would also mandate the gradual increase of sodium content in plastics, claiming that “children of America … sorry … Turtles of America shouldn’t have to eat bland vegetables. Salt not only makes food delicious, but it’s also scientifically ambiguous as to how bad it is for your body in large quantities.”
“And let’s not forget the old saying – a good blast of sodium on your vegetables, helps keep our doctors healthily employed.”
Conservatives from Congress have said that the federal government shouldn’t be telling turtles what they can and can’t eat.