Coca-Cola, the popular carbonated beverage dispenser and long-time supporter of Diabetes – the disease – has received praise for their upcoming re-release of SURGE soda, and their decision to continue packaging the drink in what appears to be a warning for toxic sludge.
The decision to stick with the “honest label” comes after the company’s recent success with another sincere label “Coke-Zero”.
Zero, being the number of times it’s safe to drink a Coke-Zero before it becomes likely you’ve ingested some phosphoric acid. Which is fine if you’re trying to dissolve a nail in your stomach or you desperately need to polish your coin collection but you’ve been held up by the fact that you accidentally swallowed it.
According to marketing sources, Coca-Cola decided to go ahead with the reSURGEnce, following desperate calls from die-hard Surge super-fans via the Facebook group – “SURGE Movement“. The three men who spear-headed the movement went so far as to buy a billboard that reads: “Dear Coke, we couldn’t buy Surge so we bought this billboard instead.” This of course raises the question: “if they couldn’t buy Surge, why didn’t they just Mountain Dew instead?”
Well. Because they are heavily, heavily addicted to SURGE, that’s why.
The sentiment from Coca-Cola seems to be that so long as they’re not allowed to put cocaine in their drinks – and this is something they have promised to never, ever do again – they will continue to keep their consumers locked-in by pushing their products to saturation point, with as much sugar (which, mercifully, is only eight times as addictive as cocaine) as carbonated fluids can physically handle. While I have to give them credit with SURGE soda – that label at least looks as toxic as its contents – I can’t help but wish they’d take it just one step further, by adding a list of thing to the back of the bottle that will SURGE, if you accidentally drink this stuff. Namely, thirst, weight, urination, and type 2 diabetes.
Incidentally – SURGE, for those who don’t remember, is a throw-back to the enigmatic 1990’s flavour – citrus, and to the idea that people who drink Mountain Dew are just babies that lack a certain “hardcore edge” that only 42 grams of sugar per serve, can deliver. We asked a spokesman from Pepsi (creators of Mountain Dew) for a statement on the return of SURGE, and the best he could muster, was to cower timidly behind the nearest trash-can and patiently wait for us to leave.