Calls for Vegemite to be added to a “watch list” in dry Queensland communities arose when it was discovered that alcoholic children have been using the celebrity yeast extract to make their own beer.

When asked about the watch Tony Abbott said: “This is a deregulatory government, and the last thing I want to do is to have a Vegemite watch… because Vegemite, quite properly, is a very important member of team Australia.”

He went on to announce that he will be releasing a $400 million industry innovation and competitiveness agenda, designed to promote “Vege-beer”, saying that “this is exactly the sort of ‘bang for your buck’ I’d expect to result from the $9.2 billion we otherwise waste on research and innovation, every year.

“I used to believe that the three primary tenets of Team Australia were beer, Vegemite, and domestic violence. I now see, that with the right application of technology, engineering, and mathematics, we can bundle all three of those tenets into one, delicious… delicious drink. Thus freeing up tenets two and three, for non-renewable resources and a general distaste for the contemporaneous direction of water based vessels, that would probably be better off traveling in the other direction, respectively.

When asked what was in the bottle of black liquid he was drinking, the Prime Minister replied “What, this? This is water from southeast Queensland. And I’m not drinking it.”

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