Apple Inc, the world’s most profitable and valuable company announced to investors that it would be spending its vast cash holdings in Australia changing its name to “Real Apple” to differentiate itself from the fruit commonly eaten by humans.

“Real Apple products are less healthy, more expensive and more crunchy than apples.”

New innovations by Apple include a project to code the entire IMDB Top 250 movie collection and the entire iTunes database into its customers’ DNA. The resulting genetic mutation, unofficially named iCancer, is said to be the ultimate entertainment experience and has been embraced (in an oddly cohesive and synchronous manner) by reviewers and critics who have tried the product.

Australian customers will not be receiving iCancer until the late 2020s, however Apple’s profits in Australia have continued to rise as consumers take heed of Joe Hockey’s message demanding that Poor People spend more money. Apple’s most recent product, the iBond, has caused so much of a stir in Australia that prisoners are attempting escape to get their hands on the iBond.

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