GOOGLE LAUNCHES HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF THE ALPHABET

“What is Alphabet?”

Many such grammatically confusing sentences were spouted by the Macbook wielding, Wearable-cuffed, Silicon Valley yuppies and codemonkeys when Google announced that it was undergoing some executive shifts and forming its new umbrella corporation – Alphabet.

Uncertainty about the contents of the Alphabet has struck fear into the hearts of many investors, stakeholders and toddlers alike.

The new “Google age” Alphabet contains the following:

  • Life Sciences (smart bandaids that measure the glucose content of the wearer, to determine the optimal time to sell them choc-chip cookies)
  • Calico (http://www.calicolabs.com/)(the fountain of youth)
  • Fiber (3D pornography on demand to every home, everywhere)
  • Nest (sleep deprivation fire alarms)
  • Wing (robot drone army)
  • Sidewalk (making cities better places to live. no one is quite sure how)

Meanwhile, Google continues to work on its research brewing to fix the world and brewing a few more projects under other letters of the alphabet:

  • Inertia – obesity inspired self driving electrical motorized couches
  • Rapture – sight augments to replace eyeballs and remove the need for customers to see anything that isn’t a Google-sponsored ad
  • Placebo – curing cancer with apps
  • Zion – making Google’s already-prescient artificial intelligence even better at predicting the future

Sundar Pichai, the new CEO of Google informs us that the Alphabet is merely an attempt by Larry Page and Sergey Brin to recreate the infantile learning stage for the planet, technology and civilisation as we know, and that it is not at all an attempt at world domination.

Larry Page and Sergey Brin were unable to comment as they were undergoing the Calico life extending process.

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