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Redwood City – EA Games, an absolute monster in the world of video game development – known as such for both it’s size and it’s propensity for gobbling up anything smaller than a stray Ubisoft or BioWare, chewing it up and spitting out something that resembles a good game in much the same way that a big turd resembles that pizza you ate last night – has announced they will be releasing a “gigantic” Assassin’s Creed style action game in something like 5 years.
They went on to add that while the game itself would be a sufficiently “big deal”, it would barely compare to the deluge of release date DLC (downloadable content) they’ll be releasing no more than 36 seconds later. “You better wipe your hard-drives” said one EA official “there’ll be so much DLC on release day, you’ll need a whole other Xbox just to store it”.
The two-time winner of the Consumerist‘ s “Worst Company in America” award, and receiver of the ceremonial Golden Poo trophy, has promised a wide variety of emotes and pivotal characters that will be available as a set of “mandatory electives” (#mandatoryelectives), and will be available for purchase to anyone who voluntarily submits a game rating of 5 or more stars out of 5. The 5 star rating also provides the bonus of removing a banner-ad from in front of the start button at the beginning of the game.
EA has promised that the game will be released by 2021, even if that means their employees have to work 100 hours a week. A current employee at EA told The Incidentally, “at EA, ‘crunch time’ is ‘all the fucking time’. Mandatory hours are 9 a.m. to 10 p.m. – seven days a week – with the occasional Saturday evening off for good behaviour. My life is a nightmare”.
The game’s gigantic servers have been scheduled for shutdown in mid 2022.
In preparation, EA will be providing an “Early Access Gigantic Online Pass Subscription” so that users can start paying now, many years before the game is released. Users that subscribe, will find – upon entering the last level of the game – the final boss will be rather conveniently, already dead. Players that don’t subscribe, will simply be greeted by a gigantic door, with a gigantic sign hanging off it that reads in gigantic letters: The Origin Clause Was REAL!!! BWAAAA HA HA HA YAHHHH HA HA HA HAAAAAH! The game will then shut itself down and direct players to a screen, where they’ll be politely informed that they have been permenantly banned on the grounds of “business terms” (including, but not restricted to: making rude comments, joking about game developers selling their souls the EA devil, teabagging dead players, finishing the game without a subscription and/or replacing in a sentence the name Electronic Arts with the term Electronic Penis.)
Developers refused to comment on whether or not the game would support an offline mode.
Incidentally – Electronic Arts will once again be testing United States anti trust laws by drafting and then signing a contract that grants the company exclusive rights to the development and distribution of any entertainment that fits within the category of “gigantic” (excluding certain types of sex-toys and novelty balloons).